literature

The Promised Others

Deviation Actions

MoxieMora's avatar
By
Published:
344 Views

Literature Text

Saerna felt his arrival long before she ever saw him with her eyes.

She knew, this was the day she would meet him, the one she had always felt just out of reach, on the verge of consciousness.

She felt his presence long before she ever knew that he was a living being. Laughed at and tormented for ever thinking that anyone could be a part of her. She was the lowest of the low, an ungainly maiden with no worth or value. She would live her life as a servant. Or so she was lead to believe.

And that day was to change everything. She knew it from the first breath she took that morn. That this day would be change all that she had ever known or been told.

The hours crept by agonisingly slowly. The rush with the morning meal was melted down by metre as the sun rose above the castle. Meaningless chores occupied the time as the midday loomed ever so far. And when that rush was finished, it was just an unbearable time with the pending night.

And it was the approach of nightfall that brought a storm in. She had to rush to close all the windows on the upper floors. And it was then she finally saw him.

Riding in on a silver steed, his cloak being lashed by the winds behind him and golden hair circled his head. He was a mage. A mage! She should have known long before that he was a mage. It was only logical. He would have to be to reach out to her and haunt her dreams.

She found her breathing had increased. She hurried on with shutting the windows, knowing his destination was the castle and in that she knew their paths would indeed cross.

And it wasn't until after the meal that she was ordered to take some bedding to a vacant quarters in the guest lodgings that their orbits finally crossed. She opened the door to find him standing in the middle of the room.

She stopped breathing as his eyes took her in. And then he spoke.

"So you are the one I have felt all day," he whispered breathlessly.

Her lungs finally took over and she inhaled sharply and lowered her eyes to study the floor. Her lips quivered as she reviewed what he had said, contemplating what he meant and if she was expected to respond.

"Come in and close the door," he prompted softly, realising the poor girl was beside herself. He assumed it was his status, in these vacant northern territories, of any knowledge of mages.

She did as he bade and waited. She dared not speak. Not to a high ranking visitor. Though Mages where highly uncommon there, they were known and feared and none would dare cross one. Though she wasn't afraid. Not of this one.

"You have some abilities," he said softly as he scanned her for knowledge, seeing who she was.

That made her intake her breath again. She was old, too old to learn of the craft. And here, one touched with the Mage's light would be put down before it came to the surface.

"I do apologise, I do not mean to frighten you," he said gently. "I just can tell. Have indeed always known. That you were indeed a missing one."

So many questions fluttered about her mind like the butterflies at the summer's fest but none took light long enough to form.

He saw her struggling. "It's alight. I do not mean to disturb you. How long have you known you were a mage?"

"I – I always knew," she whispered. "Just like I always knew about you."

There. It had now been said. That had been hanging over her head since the day began, since seeing him from the window, since  walking into this room.

He turned his grey eyes at her and felt the floor slip away from his feet. It was true. She was the one, the formless figure that haunted his dreams, out there, somewhere. Now standing before him.

"I need to make your bed up for you," she said, wanting to move away from his intense gaze.

He moved to intervene, holding his hand up in a gesture to stop her. "No. Leave that on the bed. I will tend to that. I will not have you waiting on me. I understand you have other things to be tending to. But know this. I will return for you. I have urgent matters to attend to myself, but I will return to retrieve you from this prison. Know that please. Your days as a servant here are limited. I will take you back to the High Council's keep. And there you will get the training you so should have. And then one day, I will make you my Other, if you will have me."

It was all so much to take in! All so much to digest. She stood there, mouth agape, in shock from what he has said, from the prospects that he offered her. She looked far more troubled now at leaving it to him to tend to. "But I was sent to do this......" she attempted, confused by his insistence to do this himself.

Which only made him smile. "Nay, fair maiden. I will tend to it. What is your name, if I may ask?"

It was perhaps the first time anyone had taken any interest in her. But it was him after-all. "Saerna," she replied in a whisper, daring to meet his cloud grey eyes again. "And you?" she found the courage to ask.

"Thernymrdys," came the reply. And he smiled at her. "But my friends all call me Thern. Which I hope you will."

She nodded. "Thern. I need to be getting back to my duties."

He nodded. "Yes I have kept you far too long. Just remember. I will return for you. Have faith in that."

She turned and left the room, walking on air. She knew deep down what he said was true. The soon he would whisk her away from this life of servitude,  that she had been incarcerated in, all of her days.



But it wasn't to be soon. Days turned in one and again, wearing on, as the seasons even began to change. Summer to Autumn's fire, and then with hints of Winter frosting the panes. It was not going to be soon. She resigned herself to that. But she had faith, as Thern had bade her. She was still believing he was going to march in there and free her as he said.

Though as the time came and went, she did start to despair. And doubt set in. Perhaps he forgot her, perhaps something happened, perhaps it was never meant to be. Perhaps a million little things, that it could have been. But she never thought for a moment that perhaps it was unexpected just the same.



Well trained steeds the High Council had bred, trained to make their own way home again. As it was, that was how Thern returned to the Council. Slumped on the back of his horse, barely clinging to life. But he had to return, he had to deliver the messages of import. He had to. That was what kept him alive in those dismal days.

And the other mages kicked into high gear, the moment he returned. He was taken from the back of the steed and carried with the greatest of care to the infirmary, where Master Drayson tended to him personally.

"Must---------" Thern attempted to sit up, breathless and distressed.

"Calm now," Drayson said, firmly holding him down. "I am doing my best to save you. Whatever it is can wait."

"It can't," the considerably younger mage replied. Truth was he had no strength to struggle against the high healer, nor the desire to. He just had to speak. "She will think I have abandoned her. We must return and rescue her."

Drayson continued with his administrations, while another healer prepared the draught. He was that distraught over it, Drayson decided not to argue the point but to ask questions instead. "And who might she be?"

"My Other, and a Missing One," Thern said, giving in to the healer now, satisfied that as soon as he told them, someone would go for her.

"Your other and a missing?!" Drayson asked in surprise.

"Aye to both," Thern replied and drank the tiniture that was offered to his lips. He winced at the bitter flavour, but knowing it was just what he needed.

"You found your other and a missing mage? Where?" Drayson asked. If this were true, then he understood the import of this, why the young mage couldn't rest until something was done with this knowledge.

"In the northern reaches, at a castle called Tinuea. She is a servant there."

"And you are certain of both?" Drayson demanded.

"That I am," Thern replied, finally settling back into the pillows and allowing his eyes to close. Sleep claimed him almost immediately. And his dreams took him to her, where she struggled through the days. But he knew that she would feel him now, perhaps dream of him, knowing finally that he had done his duties and would be returning in a matter of speaking forthwith.



"A missing AND his other?" came Yantor's question in surprise.

"That is what he said," Drayson replied.

"Not only is that highly unlikely, it is simply unbelievable," Yantor snapped.

"He rode himself to near death, driven with how important this is, so I tend to believe him," Drayson replied, still feeling the urgency he had gathered from Thern.

"There is that," Yantor replied, consoling himself to this fact. It tore at his consciousness that one of his underlings could manage to find both in one fell swoop, and he had no choice but to accept this as fact. He sighed heavily. "Very well. You are needed here Drayson, but assemble a team to retrieve her from this castle, in the most harsh northern territories.

"No sire, I shall lead the expedition myself," Drayson argued. And when it seemed his leader was going to argue the point, he held up his hand. "I have a feeling I gleaned from him, that shall be vital to finding this lass. There are more than enough healers to tend to his wounds. He is responding to the tinitures. He will survive. I just need to carry on where he left off. How many should I take with me?"

"You need a sword and another mage to compliment you on this journey. Kyrran and Elwin should do you nicely. And make haste. It is vital that you find this missing one. We need all the hands we can get in-case King Oughxrod carries through with his declarations."

Drayson nodded. "It will be so, sire."



She felt him. She knew, beyond all doubt, that he was alive and safe and returning to her. How she knew? She wasn't sure. But she could feel him, as if he was standing beside her, holding her in her dreams.

Days wore on, but something had indeed changed. Something had shifted. And this was winding down at last, as he had promised. Her time there was limited.

And travellers arrived one day, early on. Three. All males, all mages. And shortly after, the land owner called for all female servants to attend in the great hall. No word of what or why. But Saerna felt it in the pit of her stomach. They had come for her.

One older mage walked along, looking at every servant. They had all be directed to meet his eyes. She knew why. He was looking for her, and would be able to tell, just as Thern had. She held her breath, waiting patiently, knowing this man would also recognise her as a mage.

And he stared into her eyes when he reached her, and nodded. As she was the last, he went no further. He turned his attention to the land owner and spoke. "I have found what I was looking for. All may leave. Save for this one."

He singled her out, holding up a hand to her, biding silently for her to stay. The others all filtered out. Once they were all gone, the head mage walked up to the landowner and produced a pouch, bulging with coins, and threw it at his feet. "That is payment for this one, to remove her from your service. She will leave with us."

The landowner was quite taken aback, offended at this treatment from these mages. One mage was bad enough, but in this case there were three! He dared not defy them. Instead, humbled but still thinking of the monetary gain, he bent and picked up the gold pouch, more than satisfied with its weight. "Agreed."

"Do you have any belongings?" the eldest mage asked as he turned to her. "If you do, please, collect them forthwith."
She nodded and hurried to her quarters. She knew it! She knew that he had told his fellow mages, and that they had come to retrieve her. But a cord of fear did strike her, as to why he was not with them.

She was as quick as she could be, and returned to the great hall. They left, through the courtyard, where four horses waited. The others all mounted, leaving her staring at a creature the she knew she was intended to ride.

"You have never ridden have you?" one of the other mages asked.

"Of course not!" the elder mage shook his head as he dismounted. "Please, fair lady, we were not thinking. Let me assist you."

"But ---" she gasped. "It's a living being."

Drayson nodded. "It is indeed. One of the finest of the land. Trained and guided to be your mount. Here," he said as he took her hand and placed it on the horse.

The touch connected her to this fine beast, communicating its desire to serve. It satisfied her concerns as she bonded with it. "I see. Thank you."

And Drayson lifted her up, setting her side saddle. Far better for her to grow accustomed to riding this way.

And he remounted and they left the castle behind, riding off towards their destination. Quiet going, not able to converse much as they rode, keeping a steady pace. But by noon time, they found a clearing and dismounted, letting the horses graze.

"So, are you fairing well, fine young maiden?" Kyrran asked as he handed her some bread.

"It is a lot to take in at once," she replied. "I take it he didn't tell you my name?"

"Nay my lady," Elwin replied. "Which is a good point. We have yet to formally introduce ourselves. My name is Elwin."

"And I am Kyrran," the other young mage offered.

"And most call me Drayson," the elder added. "And what may be call you, lost one?"

She smiled. "Saerna. So, how is Thern?"

"Fine when we left the keep," Drayson lied. He knew what she was asking, but he did not see any good reason to worry the poor maiden.

"Lying does not suit you, my fine sire," she turned back at him. "None of you. But you especially, Master Drayson."

It took them all aback, at how this one was able to see through their attempts to shelter her. And Drayson was doubly surprised at how she was able to detect his real standing in the group. Though something perhaps not so surprising, as any servant in a castle would have to judge visitors, and their import.

"He was fine when we left the keep," Drayson reiterated. "How he is now, we can only hope he has continued to heal. There are plenty of capable healers to tend to him.  In two days time we should reach the High Council and you can shall see for yourself."

She nodded. "I just knew something was wrong. He said he would come for me. And it has been so long."

"He was quite insistent on someone retrieving you, so you did not fret more than you should," Elwin added. "And it seems with good reason. We have not seen others for a very long time."

"Other?" she found herself asking. Even though deep down inside she had an idea what it meant. But still she wanted to ask, to make sure she wasn't making a mistake.

"Others are the other half of mages," Drayson offered. "Like half split in two, in two separate bodies, both manifest on this the mortal plane. But not all are incarnate. Some remain behind the veil, to assist and guide. And so to find one's other is quite remarkable."

She nodded. "Indeed. That explains a lot. Why I felt him, long before I ever laid eyes on him. And knew it was him the moment I did." She nodded. "Missing pieces. Why doesn't everyone find their Other?"

"It is a large world, as I am sure you will soon see," Drayson replied with a smile. "It is just very fortunate for both you and  Thernymrdys to find one another."

"Indeed," she agreed with a soft smile.



Two days went quickly. And they arrived back at the Keep where the mages of the land held the dominion to themselves. It was at least three times the size of the castle that Saerna had come from.  And she was quite overwhelmed just looking at it.

She followed them in, and they talked to other mages who greeted  them with worried looks. She had a feeling that something was amiss. Drayson nodded and headed quickly off to the interior, and she followed, along with Elwin and Kyrran. Something was wrong.

Once they arrived at the infirmary, she knew it was Thern. A lot of healers were gathered around a bed, tending to him.

"No! I specifically told you to administer the tincture twice daily!" Drayson shouted. "How long has he been this way?"

"Since noon-meal a day ago," one healer answered.

Drayson pushed past them and began tending to his charge. So many were gathered round, so much so that none noticed at first. But a voice was heard, singing, the most beautiful song. Strange words, no one recognised.

Elwin was the first to notice the other in the infirmary. Some of the other mages rose from their beds. Some who had been given up for dead even now were revived by this song.

"A Heal-song!" Kyrran uttered in amazement.

Drayson even halted as Thern too rose. And headed towards the singer.

Saerna was on her knees in prayer, singing the most beautiful song. Her eyes closed, her hands grasped at her heart-centre, and her head tilted down as she sang.

"Saerna," Thern gasped, already breathless from the movements and being so close as she sang.

Not much had remained from her childhood, before she was wrenched from her family. But this song returned to her now, when she so desperately needed it to heal the one who had freed her. She kept singing it, but her eyes opened and she looked up at the man who stood over her. He was just as handsome as she remembered.

"Come, rise from that horribly cold hard floor," he implored her, offering a hand to help her up.

She took a deep breath as she came to the end of the song and took his hand. As it was, his returned strength was short lived, and he stumbled now with supporting her momentarily. Elwin was quickly there, putting an arm around his friends waist, and guided him back to his bed.

She followed, glad to see him stable again, resting in his bed. She had done what she could for him, and now the rest of the healing would have to take place from the others. Who were all staring, mouths agape, at her.

"Well, show me how to make the draughts then," she charged to them, snapping them out of their stupor.

"You are the singer," a healer said with a bow to her. He was young, younger than herself, and she felt odd that he bowed to her. But he went on to prepare the draught while everyone else whispered to themselves.

"This fine woman is Saerna," Drayson announced to the stunned room. "She is Thernymrdys' Other. We are very fortunate that she was found and now returned here, where she belongs. So don't be such first spells! She is one of us. And we are so grateful for her being here now."

She nodded and bowed, more out of curtsey and habit, knowing that others were viewing her now as one of their own.

"Now now," a tall man with greying at his temples in his otherwise red hair said as he walked up from behind her. "No more servitude for yourself. You need not bow before any. Except perhaps me. As I am the leader of this Enclave of Mages. Yantor, at your service."

She was dumbfounded. She was told not to bow but to bow to him. And so she did. "Thank you sire," she said, eyes downcast.

Which made him laugh. "No, I do not mean to bow to me. Just pointing out my place here. You are very new here and will take awhile to get your feet beneath you. But bow to no one, fair young maiden. You have a strong power in you. I heard your song. And I am sure I have heard it before, very long ago. I thought your people were gone, destroyed."

She nodded. "What little I remember would suggest so. Though there is still hope burning in my heart that perhaps one or two of the others survived. Like my brother."

"Now now yourself, sire," Drayson said as he rescued her from the conversation. "I am sure there is time enough for this later. But for now, I believe we have lovers to reunite."

"Of course," Yantor chuckled at the slight reprimand. "Please, beg my pardon. You need to return to the one who is responsible for you being here. We shall talk again, to be sure." He smiled happily and bowed before turning away.  

Saerna nodded and turned, heading towards where Thern was resting, having just received another draught. But he was awake and smiling at her as she walked to the side of his bed. Another healer brought a chair for her, that she thanked the young woman for then turned her attention to Thern.

"Well I knew you would understand that something had happened to me, to delay my return as promised," he mused with a smile at her. "I am so thankful that they have retrieved you safely."

She smiled faintly at him, happy to be so close now. "Well you are healing I take it. And Drayson and the others have told me much of you. Now I see how true what they have said is."

He chuckled. "One can only imagine. What did my companions tell you of me?"

She moved a bit closer, leaning in to whisper. "That you are by far the youngest and most talented High Spell ever appointed," whispering, and watching the flush as it spread across his cheeks. "And that you are expected to rise even further. Higher in ranking than even Master Drayson."

And Drayson approached, having heard his name whispered. "Now, what are you doing, fine fair lass? Filling our ill friends head full of whispers and such?"

"Oh nothing Master Drayson," she said happily, knowing how much he hated the Master part coming from her.

And as she expected, Drayson rose to the challenge and got all flustered. "Now now! How many times have I told you! None of this master nonsense from you."

She smiled further, knowing the distraction had allowed Thern to calm, for the flush to pass. "Yes of course, HIGH HEALER!" She giggled happily, casting a glance to Thern.

"Well, let me tend to my patient before you throw out any more formalities at me," Drayson said happily, turning to Thern. At checking his vitals, no fever, and a calm composure, he was satisfied  that Thern was well. But still had to ask the formal questions, to be sure.

"And how are you, our highest and brightest High Spell?" he asked with a wink, showing that he knew only too well what she had been whispering about.

Thern took a deep breath, smiling at the highly respected healer, feeling himself grow even more now, with such praise heaped upon him. "I am well, Drayson. And many thanks."

Drayson nodded happily and turned as he departed, leaving the young lovers to whisper some more.

"How do you do that?" Thern asked her quietly, his eyes sparkling with joy and admiration.

"Being a servant teaches many diplomatic tactics," she whispered in return, her eyes gleaming, showing that he was right all along, that there was far more to this maiden than she let on.

He smiled happily, knowing that they would teach and learn a lot from one another. And he could imagine her rising in the Mage Council far more than she realised.



Days passed. Saerna was quickly adapting. She was taught many things, allowed to go anywhere. But the one place she tended to stay the most was the infirmary. There she sang.

But she was not allowed on the floor. That was too common for her in their eyes. She had to sit, in a chair which resembled a thrown, brought in and placed in the middle of the room. There all could see her, all could hear her. There she sat and sang.

Some younger healers would bring her water and food, and she spent her time singing the Heal Song for all. And that is how he found her.

Eldric was a visitor. Sent by the King. The King who wished to absorb the Mages Council. And he was there to negotiate. Or more to plot and plan and spy for King Oughxrod. And more to be in place when Oughxrod made his strike.

But Eldric was not one for such plans. He was a slave to the King. And had no say in what happened. He went where he was sent. But in being sent here, was the wrong place to send him.

He followed that familiar song. One he had not heard nor sang for ages. But he knew. He remembered. It made his eyes glisten, remembering his youth, before his people were decimated. And this had to mean that another survived.

And he found her in the infirmary, on an ornate thrown, singing to all. His breath caught in his throat, knowing it had to be her.

She felt something from behind her, making her song falter. She stood and turned to look. And that is when she saw him.

"Eldric," she whispered.

"Sister," he whispered in return, those tears spilling forth from his eyes.

She took began to cry as they ran to one another and fell into each others arms. He held her close, remembering how he had left her safe in the thicket before the soldiers found him and drug him away. So many years passed but they both survived.

"Saerna?" Thern asked, a bit taken aback at seeing her in the arms of another. But one look at him and he knew that this man was also magic, and a close resemblance to her as well, both with raven hair.

She wiped her tears as she looked to her love. "I told you my brother lived. And here he is. And has much to explain then," she beamed. "Thern, my Other, this is my brother, Eldric."

Thern happily gripped the hand that was extended to him. "Welcome, intended brother."

Eldric lowered his head. Too much had already happened. He was regretting the plans that Oughxrod had in place. And now that he knew his sister was here, with her Other, he had to work fast to stop the impending slaughter.

"I must speak to the full council. Now." Eldric insisted. "You both must come with me. We must work quickly. Come. Lead the way."

Thern felt a shiver go up his spine as he lead her brother to the council hall and told all to prepare for a full urgent council meeting.  

When all were assembled, forgoing the normal formalities, Eldric stood in the centre.

"Oughxrod plans on attacking," he announced to gasps. "I am his battle mage. But let me tell you clearly. I was captured many cycles ago. And in truth am his slave. I was not condoning these actions, nor of the same mind of what he is planning. And have now found my sister, one of the only others left of my people, here with you. We must act swiftly to advert this attack he has planned."

"When?" Yantor demanded.

"Imminent."

"Do we have time to evacuate?" Drayson asked.

"He has spies surrounding you, watching. That would clue him into my betrayal and he would strike then."

"What say you, battle mage brother of our newest healer?" Yantor asked.

"Casting cloaking spells and sneaking people out as quickly and quietly as you can. And I will return like normal. And try to remove him from power."

"Sounds risky," High Spell Bemkict interjected.

"Perhaps it is," Yantor agreed. But he met Eldric's eyes levelly. "Are you certain? Is this something you wish to do, and feel you can?"

Eldric took a deep breath and nodded. "I have been looking for a way out of there for a very long time. And making him pay, for what he has done to my people, and to me. Yes. This is something I will do gladly," he replied in a determined voice.

Yantor nodded. "Make it so. And then you will have a place to return to, here, with us, with your sister and her intended. Be safe new brother."



The council followed Eldric's plan. Quickly, quietly, covertly sneaking out under a cloak of spells. It took all the mages working on the casting and cloaking, and the healers and others currying around, as people snuck out.

While Eldric made his way back to the castle. It all seemed to be going according to Oughxrod's plans. And once there, he went directly to the king. And demanded a private audience.

Oughxrod was no fool. But he was arrogant. Sure of his own power and might, he accepted the private meeting, never thinking for a moment that it would be his last.

"What say you, battle mage?" Oughxrod asked.

"They are too weak. They will never see your forces. They haven't thus far. They think that you are offering allegiance, as per your orders." Eldric said all the things his king was expecting.

"Good, good, well done my favourite slave," Oughxrod said happily and patted the pillow beside him, wanting the slave to sit and play for awhile, to amuse him.

Eldric gladly sat. And took the wine offered. While Oughxrod turned to get the lute, Eldric slipped the poison in the others wine. And then took the lute to play for the king.

Who drank his own wine. And didn't take long for the poison to take effect. He slumped in the thrown, spilling the wine onto the ornate floor.

Eldric moved quickly. He went to the hall and called for the healers. It didn't take long to gather them, and all the other diplomats and courtiers.

"It's poison!" Farynrian accused.

"From your own hand," Eldric shot back. "We all know how you killed his daughter, the princess. You just wanted him out of the way so you could assume the thrown."

It was not known. Eldric suspected it. But the accusation sent the others mumbling, agreeing. None liked Farynrian. He was a bully to all, even to the other people in court.

"Nay, not I!" Farynrian shot back, seeing the eyes of the others cast at him in guilt. "Not I, I tell you! Lock up this slave now and save us all."

But the guards did not move. The guards instead took Farynrian out, screaming all the way.

"Without an heir, we will have war on our hands," Ellisaith murmured.

"I will take the thrown," Eldric suggested solemnly.

As he had been in the court longer than any of the other dignitaries, it was the most obvious course. And quietly they all agreed. "He did fancy you," Jh'tisiran agreed.

"What of the Mages?" Raladur inquired.

"We shall form an accord with them, as Oughxrod had wanted," Eldric replied.

It wasn't what the former king had wanted. But none spoke it if they knew. It would mean peace for all of them and that was a change all could embrace.



Days later, the new King and his newly appointed knights went forth, to the Mages Council, to finalise the accord. Eldric rode in proudly, happy to bring his sister's new compatriots the peace he had promised. Though no one was expecting him to return as king.

"Brother!" Saerna said, gasping as he embraced her.

"Princess," Eldric replied happily.

Her eyes widened. "What say you?"

"I return to you no longer as a slave, but as the new King," he replied happily. "Which in turn, makes you royalty."

Yantor began laughing happily. "Recall all those who fled. And let us have a feast for our new King Eldric!"



And with the new King there, as an honoured quest, three days later, the rites and ceremonies were conducted. Uniting Thernymrdys and Saerna as fulfilled Others.
WELL! Here is that very old tale I have been working on. In the background, quietly when I have had the time. And now it is ready for your reading!

Is it done? No. I think not. It is very open. It is enough for now to stand alone. It isn't all I have expected to write of it. But it introduces some key characters and will see what comes of it. When I have the time ;)

And as you may already know (or will now!) this story was started over 15 years ago. So I think it is safe to assume I will get back to it in my own time :D



All characters and situations are fictional and of my own creation. No resemblance any persons, living or dead, is not intended.

Do not reproduce, copy, or alter in any way without my explicit permission.

Also can not be posted elsewhere without my permission.

Otherwise, enjoy and please comment :)

And thank you for any :+fav:s



:icondonotuseplz::iconmyartplz:
© 2011 - 2024 MoxieMora
Comments15
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
WillowOaken's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

This is my first critique, so it's a bit difficult for me to do the ratings... So I hope to clarify in detail. I really enjoyed the imagination you put into this; though it has a lot of potential to go deeper. Much of the settings weren't described, which would have been nice. But the histories you hinted at, makes up for it. Makes me look forward to finding more about their world down the line. As for originality, there wasn't a whole lot (as can be said of most fantasy novels, really); but it's not necessarily a bad thing either. Familiarity can often be a good thing. And the fact that the story focused around some common ideas (mages) done in a not so common fashion (the links between them you described) is why I went average. As for your writing technique, it was good, and left me wanting more. But there were some problems with it. Mostly, it looks like you did a lot of revising (which is good), but often left in a word that was from a previous version of the sentence. Also some spelling and gramatical errors, but it wasn't too bad. Mostly just the misplaced words is the only major thing I can see that needs improvement. As for impact... Yeah, I loved it. If more improvement was done for the histories (to make it feel more like a living world) and writing flaws corrected, it'd be perfect. Overall I really enjoyed it, and I hope to see more from you.